Thursday, April 30, 2009

More Thoughts on MBTI, Passive-Aggression

Are you or someone you know passive-aggressive? Read about the symptoms: Passive-Aggressive Pattern

INTJ, INFJ, ENTJ, ENFJ, INTP, INFP, ENTP, ENFP, ISTJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ESFJ, ISTP, ISFP, ESTP, ESFP - this is for all of us! I've learned that passive-aggression isn't just the domain of the Feeling types within the MBTI (Myers-Briggs personality types) as I've come across many Thinking types with the same personality defect. I'm sure I have some traits in myself being somewhat of an avoidant when it comes to toxic people, but is that really passive-aggression, to try to avoid passive-aggressive people? I don't understand people who see conflict resolution as "negative" and would rather seethe in private until hell breaks loose in the form of sarcasm (or ambiguous statements to keep you guessing what they really mean = making you insecure) or mind games (stingy with kindness yet think they give more than take, won't support anything you do but will graciously take any support coming their way, throwing compliments about others in your face but never you). I don't understand people who try to stir trouble on purpose (inserting drama, or just giving you extra things to do or think about when they know you'll be busy, leaving the car door open in the middle of winter because he needs to pump gas and you're sitting inside staying warm) or frustrate people for the fun of it (to test reactions, to get under your skin and have them on your mind that way = they "win"); yet, there are intelligent people who do this. It's a quiet power trip where one need not think of oneself as being a bully or a control freak, since it's done in such a covert, indirect, subversive way. Too bad the people who do this don't know how transparent they and their insecurities are when they do it. It's done out of hurt ("I can't do it anyway") and so the person being passive-aggressive might not even realize how much it hurts another person, which makes it even easier to make excuses like "I didn't mean to hurt anyone", thus staying perfectly innocent while all the while playing the villain (which might make them happy in achieving some identity besides "loser"). Sadly, they also expect everyone else to be the same way (projection) and have difficulty maintaining relationships.

It's twisted, I know. Intelligence and confidence don't go hand in hand, and it's sad when people think self-confidence should be "earned" rather than something everyone needs to have. Remember the old adage that we need to first love ourselves so we can love others? It's true. Confidence is a love for self so that we don't need valuation from others. When we have that, we don't need to feel small and lash out at others in this indirect way (because anger will come out in some shape or form). If you really want to be a lover of people, don't end up burdening others with this passive-aggression which, like alcoholism, always hurts others more than it hurts you. It's better to face conflict and be direct; that way, you not only build more confidence along the way but also trust in the eyes of others.